Barrel Dregs, a supposedly true story by an elderly lady genius (182)

By | June 15, 2011


A Spectacular Senior Moment

Banking Incompetence

This is sheer genius and
should go round the work place, it is no mock up, it was printed in the THE
TIMES – – Letter of the Year:

A SENIOR MOMENT – (I PRAY TO GOD THAT I HAVE THEM LIKE THIS……) An elderly lady actually wrote
this letter to her bank. The bank manager
thought it amusing
enough to have it published in The Times and this
newspaper thanks him most sincerely..

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
‘nanoseconds’ must
have elapsed between his presenting the cheque
and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honour it. I
refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to
be commended for
seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account
£30 by way of penalty
for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal
with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan payments will
therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but
will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate..

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
but in
order that I know as much about him or her as
your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative. Please note that all
copies of his or her medical
history must be
countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must
be accompanied by documented proof..

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
than 28
digits but, again, I have modelled it on the
number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on
your phone bank service. As
they say, imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1– To make an appointment to see me.

required. A password will be 2– To query a missing payment.

3– To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4– To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5– To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6– To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7– To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)

8– To return to the
main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 8

9– To make a general
complaint or inquiry, the
contact will then be put
on hold,
pending the attention of my automated answering service.  While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

Addendum from The Editor:

IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a 98 year old woman;


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