We have access to a competitive firm of Insurance Brokers who are keen to insure pubs and small breweries as a speciality, if you would like a quotation email us at info@buyingapub.com and we will get them to discuss it with you, if you do place your business policy with them they will refund your yearly BII subscription if you are a member as well. Sadly this only applies to UK readers.

An interesting story this week Admiral have put a 100 pubs up for sale, the prices have been chopped right down, it would be interesting to know how much they paid for them, is this the return to realistic valuations based on viability and not over valued pubs based on over hyped unsustainable rents, or is this reality hitting the Pub Co's and will their Bankers start getting twitchy about Negative Equity. We are in danger of having a Sub Prime in the Leisure Industry, the Government will not bail anyone out so where do we go. The Banks in the main are beholden to the Government and are due to do their bidding, the Banks that are not beholden to the Government are not going to take any risks and Pub Co's are now high risk and even more so if the Select Committee get the real truth about their activities. 

 

The Rent Leopards are trying to change their spots.

Two of the supposedly Senior Rent Valuers in the country after years of using a totally flawed method of rental assessment have now suggested that the current method is not suitable for lower turnover pubs, in fact it is not suitable for any turnover pubs. Anything that ignores the viability of turnover in respect of rent is flawed. These people value Freehouses on one and a quarter to one and a half times turnover and very occasionally in buoyant times double turnover, yet they pick a rental figure out of the sky and then equate an investment valuation on the value of the property far in excess of it's true Freehouse valuation, no wonder lessees are struggling. As I said on the MA Forum, I was surprised that they did not use witch doctors or voodoo priests either would have been more accurate than their methods.

If they are going to ignore current turnovers or barrellage figures to assess rents, how can these people know about a pubs capability since none of them have ever run a pub to a Competent Operator standard as required by the RICS for valuation.

 

Rent Appeals

BII Rent Review Road Shows

The BII have managed to get certain Pub Co's to produce Codes of Practice in the way that they operate, to create more openness and clarity in a variety of matters.

A colleague of mine at the Road Show told me that he had been negotiating a rent with the Estates Manager with a national pub company who was being extremely difficult and it was pointed out that they had signed up to the BII Codes of Practice which he replied "Oh f..k" and conceded, in the same week a lady BDM was doing the same and her comment was "Oh s..t" and conceded. I think these companies should inform their staff what actually has been said within these codes, if you are a lessee or tenant within any of these companies get a copy of the Code of Practice for your company.

Rent assessment:- I had gone to the Road Show expecting a convoluted calculation on rent assessment to be put forward which would leave my tired brain completely confused. There was a presentation by the alleged top Rental Valuer in the country, who came out with an interesting presentation on rent valuation etc, where I kept waiting for the complex calculation to be revealed and nothing transpired, he was due to speak at smaller more specific meeting, which I went to. We were then told that all figures of turnover were to be ignored as unreliable or inaccurate in any rent calculation, viability was not an issue to be considered in respect of turnovers. I sat and listened in total incredulity at the method used to calculate rents. The word comparables had been referred to in the previous talk which I naively assumed would be a guide, not so. He would visit a pub to be valued or reviewed, he would then visit three or four other similar pubs within a ten mile radius he would discount the worst and the best and ask the landlord how much rent he was paying. He would make comparisons and assess the rent of the pub in question. He did say that he may well have records of the rents in a number of pubs or details of their rents when put up for sale. Whatever, knowing landlords as I do, they would not divulge their rent to a total stranger or if they were on an unsustainable rent mention it to highlight their disaproval, if they were on a fair rent certainly not, if they were on a percentage of turnover rent definitely not. I raised the issue of the aim of the Road Show was to achieve openness in these calculations and should there be a better method of calculation based on viability and he declined to reply. He pointed out that if any lessee wished to take his case to arbitration that his time was charged £335 per hour plus all the other costs against a rent increase of a few thousand a year. His minions charge around £165 per hour plus all costs, no wonder lessees and tenants give in before getting to arbitration. The whole rental system is a joke and needs changing, I have made my submission to the Select Committee Enquiry raising these issues and methods since they are not based on any justifiable facts and are wide open to abuse and misuse.

Note:-If a stranger walks into your pub and asks you what your rent is tell him any figure, below £5600 per annum, not a round figure and you have a minmal tie to draught beer only or free of tie whatsoever.

We had an excellent presentation by the Divisional Director of Enterprise Inns on what they are going to and are doing. I spoke to him afterwards and asked which Enterprise Inns he worked for, he asked why and I said that what he had said bore no relation to the Enterprise Inns that I dealt with. We then had an extended talk and I raised issues on over renting on certain pubs and temporary rescue packages, to be fair he emailed at 8.00am the next morning about getting a permanent reduction on one of the pubs on a rescue package, I just hope that he does.   I also raised the issue of people signing leases because their business plans had been accepted, a solicitor having told me that in five years he had never had a business plan queried or rejected. The RICS and selling agents hide behind Caveat Emptor and he said this was unacceptable. I quoted a phone call from a lessee whose rent was £32K, turnover £120K and had signed his lease because his business plan had been accepted, which he has agreed to investigate. If he does and is successful he will get my backing and all my Enterprise problems, which appear to stem from over zealous BDM's and old corporate strategy, which is costing them dear, though in these tough financial times they do not have too much financial leeway.

Having listened to the Road Show speakers these comments would appear to be irrelevant but it is worth trying, some companies do use figures.

If you have a rent appeal always insist that the calculations used for the original rent calculation are produced, the same if you are taking a new lease or an existing lease. The rent calculation should be based on business viability i.e. turnover etc unless it is a bricks and mortar valuation, which is unlikely unless it is being sold for an alternative use. Far too many people are being caught out by accepting an existing rent as being viable without seeing the basis of the calculation, you could and in many cases find that the Pub Co calculations if they exist, assume a turnover far in excess of what you are doing, yet they are insisting on increasing it. People are terrified of questioning these companies, ask questions and don't take "No" for an answer. Sadly out of a vast number, around 1800, of people emailed they were collectively unable to get a single calculation or break down of how their rent was calculated??

 

 

Submitted by Carola of Ballards Brewery                                                                                                                 

Enterprise Inns are selling the freehold of an historic pub in Midhurst - The Crown Inn, Edinburgh Sq, Midhurst, W. Sussex. The local paper quotes the asking price as £775K. It's been badly mis-managed and become a trouble spot, but has been well-run and succesful in the past, stocking over 12 real ales at one time. It's town centre, and of the 3 other pubs, would the the fourth and the only freehouse in town. Probably needs quite a lot spending on it, but has plently of space plus large function room and good accomodation. I'd buy it if I had the money!
Go for it.                                                                                                                                             

If any of our readers buy The Crown Inn, make sure you stock Ballards Beers your very local brewery, they brew great beer.

Advice on leases

If you are buying a lease from a Pub Co, you will have to provide a Business Plan, you wll go to great lengths to reasearch your proposals and projections and present it to the Pub Co.

Comments by a Rent Negotiator

 

Links This is important to all lessees, a group of professionals within the industry have got together to take on the power of certain Pub Co's, with the aim of lobbying the Government and MP's to investigate the direction that the industry has taken since the Beer Orders came in and correct these errors, they need your support, so please email infor@fairpint.com for further information and read the Morning Advertiser and it's Forum.   We are affiliated with Justice For Licensees: http://www.justiceforlicensees.org >> The campaign of the indefatigable Inez Ward - the lady's made of non-destructium, I'll swear. We endorse the following: Cookseys DMP http://www.cookseysdmp.co.uk >> If you're in trouble, you need to talk to their MD, David Morgan. Accepted wisdom has it that he's a diamond of the first water and this is borne out by Frog and Fly experience. David and his colleagues will provide a no-cost initial assessment of your case. Their advice is impartial and straight-forward and in most cases they will be able to give you a clear view of the next step to be taken. Contact Cookseys DMP on 01454 419900 Sewers etc when buying a pub. Not everyones favourite subject but an essential to know about when buying a pub.

When purchasing a rural food pub, always determine if it has mains drains, and if not ensure the septic tank is up to the job – a replacement can cost tens of thousands of pounds which will only allow you to carry on trading rather than help increase your sales.

Also ensure you have checked the electrics, which again can cost a disproportionate sum and wont sell a single extra pint.

If you are looking to increase food sales, you might need to consider if the electric and gas meters are sufficient for your purposes, increasing the supplies might not be an option, could take a long time to be provided and could cost a significant sum.

Be Aware that thatch can increase your insurance premiums significantly and be expensive to repair and replace, and any work needs to be booked in significantly in advance.

Chris Whirledge MRICS www.pubinnsite.co.uk

 

Credit Card machines.

The BII (British Institute of Innkeeping) have one of the best deals for PDQ machines (Credit Card Machines) for members 1.15%-1.35%, why pay more than that and give away your net profit to a bank. For every 0.5% over the BII rate per £100,000 turnover is another £500.00 of your net profit being paid to the bank that owns your machine. 

Cellar Equipment

When you sell a pub the cellar equipment is never listed, if you buy a freehold it is technically yours as an integral part of the pub. The company that actually owns the equipment is far from happy and I have always referred them to the vendor, but the company becomes much more helpful towards you if you suggest that you might let them regain ownership in exchange for free and decent service. If you buy a lease you might just get away with it as well, if it isn't clearly marked or specifically named in the lease. Make sure when you sell your pub you clarify ownership of the cellar equipment.

Cash Flow 

Never buy a business at the end of the month always buy it at the begining of the month. Try to set up monthly acoounts, this effectively gives you up to six weeks credit and inflates your bank account.

Direct Debits 

Try to avoid having direct debits, except for low cost, fixed price items, i.e. important annual subscriptions. Large accounts if they make a mistake and you send stock back it can take up to two months to get credited. Service companies are the worst they invariably over estimate.

Crockery

If you are buying new crockery, it is worth taking a day out to go round the potteries in Stoke on Trent. Their seconds and white china departments have some incredible deals, some potteries don't have them but a little  research will identify them, Spode have always been good. Royal Worcester have a great white china and 2nds department, why pay a fortune for white porcelain when you can pick it up at a fraction of what retailers charge.

Tax and Vat Investigations

Does your Accountant have insurance for a tax or VAT investigation?  It costs a little extra but it is worth it.  However honest you may be, one malicious phone call to the Inland Revenue or VAT can cost you a small fortune in accountancy fees, they act on information received.

Suppliers 

Always have two suppliers at least on almost everything, if one lets you down you have a second string, and if they know about the other, it tends to keep them on their toes. Two butchers, two bakers, two candlestick makers, etc.

Banks 

Always have two bank accounts and keep the second in credit, if the first gets difficult move to the second. You try setting up a second bank account when you have problems, so much for banking confidentiality. 

Personal Licences

You must register your change of address if you move, don't leave it, you can be fined by the licensing authority and it will cost you almost as much as a new licence for registering the change.

Wobbly Tables

If you have a table that wobbles because the floor is uneven or the legs are warped, don't stick a couple of beer mats under the short leg. Cut a cork to the size of the gap and glue it to the bottom of the leg with super glue or possibly nail it with a very thin nail. (AIN)

Credit Ratings

If you are in doubt about the financial viability of a company that you are about to do business with, there are reputable companies that will provide a credit rating for you, they are not particularly cheap and may want to tie you down for a year, but if you are going to spend a lot of money with several companies it may save you a lot of long term trouble.

Catering Ideas and tips

Monk Fish

Whenever you get monk fish, always check for red blemishes on the flesh, if there are any put the point of a slim bladed knife in to the red blemish occasionally you may find a nematode, which looks like a piece of dark brown wire about one to two inches long. Lift it out and bin it, if you have the misfortune to cook it like I did once you'll never do it again. (AL)

Skate Knobs

These are the cheeks of skate, it used to be the fishermans perk. The normally appear like medallions of skate flesh with a short cartillaginous bone, which you cut off and you are left with pure meat. I have always bought them by the box and removed the bone and then freeze them in meal portion sizes, ensuring that they are well covered in water to protect the meat from frost burn and each medallion separated for easy thawing. They are superb done in a pan with garlic, peppers and a cream or white wine sauce. They are incredibly versatile in what you can do with them.

Ice Cream 

Never use cheap ice cream, there is nothing worse than having a great meal and it's hot and you fancy something to cool down with and you get cheap and nasty vanilla ice cream. There are so many great commercial assorted flavour ice creams, for a little more money you can make some wonderful sweets by adding a half measure of a matching liqueur and some decoration. Double cream on sorbet is particularly decadent and even more so with liqueur.

Foam for Seating

If you want to make or restuff your seats, contact The Foam Shop at 143 East Reach, Taunton, TA1 3HN, Tel 0800 7311168, www.thefoamshop.co.uk very helpful and knowledgeable, he saved me a lot of money and hassle, NW

 

Every company has them BDM's (Business Development Managers), Area Managers, a number have never personally run a pub or licensed premises, they do from time to time make stupid or outrageous statements, at the time they are hell, but in the cold light of day we all manage to laugh about them, we can print them without names and if they recognise their words it might just make them wiser managers, second thoughts that could be difficult. 

Parliamentary Select Committee enquiry into Pub Co's

An interesting piece of information has just been passed to me, the person who chaired the RICS Valuation Committee that established the present method of rent valuation for pubs, which I and a number of others including members of the RICS consider to be seriously in question, has stood aside and let another member face the Select Committee, smart move on his part and lamb to the slaughter for his successor comes to mind, we will see.

It could mean that all those Pub Co surveyors or ones that acted for Pub Co's who served on the committee might appreciate a large hole opening up and vanishing from sight for a while or maybe a change of career.

Certainly some of the supposed eminent rent valuers are questioning the current method used as being unsuitable, to put it mildly.

Anything that assesses a rent that is not based on viability is going to cause hardship to an endless amount of people, even more so in a recession.

 

 

Rent Review Meeting

One of my informed readers had two meetings with senior negotiators from two different Pub Co's to discuss rent assessment, both were particularly unaccommodating at separate meetings. Both were informed that their companies had produced Codes of Practice for the BII, neither had the slightest idea what was actually in the Codes of Practice, the first said "Oh f....k" the second a lady said "Oh s..t" and my reader had a successful day. This doesn't mean that the BII Codes of Practice are the ideal but it might just pay to be aware of it's content in respect of your Pub Co.

An interesting story by a very experienced operator.

We are all told that rent calculation for pubs is a complex calculation based on directions from the Royal Institution of Chartered Surveyors (RICS). My learned reader and an equally experienced colleague went to view a back street boozer in London, where the previous incumbent had gone belly up with a rent of £40K. The Pub Co involved had been very keen for one or both of them to take it on board, they were met by the lady who is now ex MD of this particular company. The viability of this property was questioned with a rent of £40K and the acknowledged failure of the previous tenant, the lady in question walked round inspected the pub, without even appearing to put any figures down on the back of a fag packet, she said £55K rent. If someone fails at £40K rent and the place is an arm pit, you make concessions. What is wrong with these people, are they living in a dream world or on another planet? My learned reader shook her hand and walked away in total disbelief, she is now MD of the company, does that inspire confidence in the Pub Co system?  

Rent Valuations by Pub Co's, BDM's

Having studied the so called method of rent assessment used by the Pub Co's.

Firstly all rents are supposedly worked out by Valuers and BDM's on the future sustainable earnings potential by a competent operator or an alternative method of operation??? Valuers, at least qualified valuers in the main have never run a pub and would have virtually no idea how to expand a business without personally running it, understanding the local problems, features, advantages and disadvantages, BDM's the majority have very little hands on experience, certainly neither are capable of being called a competent operator, yet these people dictate rental levels that are totally unsustainable in the majority of pubs, causing extreme hardship and lack of profitability to the majority of lessees.

They are reluctant to define a competent operator, in the words of one of the BII Vice Chairman, someone with at least three years profitable experience and some of the BII advanced qualifications or five years profitable experience with basic qualifications, he should know and I agree with him.

Yet these companies across the board put all new lessees through a basic five day course with the NCPLH, and maybe food hygeine or cellar management if they are lucky. This at the greatest stretch of the imagination does not make a competent operator. They are then put into pubs with rent levels based on this goofy method, it is totally obscene and the fall out factor is enormous and dire, most people lasting 12 to 18 months before their money runs out. As an experienced operator I would not touch the majority of them without accurate up to date accounts that prove the rent is payable with a profit, not some "will o the wisp" calculation ignoring the existing business turnover.

Published in the Financial Times 9.8.08 

Beer today may be gone tomorrow as lethal cocktail hits pub trade

By Pan Kwan Yuk
Published: August 9 2008 03:00 | Last updated: August 9 2008 03:00

When Gary Higginbotham and his wife Sandra took over The Old Fox pub in Bricket Wood, Hertfordshire, a year ago, they never thought they would end up knee-deep in debt with an eviction order hanging over them.

"It was just a little pipedream of mine to run a pub," he says. "We knew we weren't going to get rich but we thought we would at least make ends meet."

But the introduction of the smoking ban, combined with rising costs and cheap supermarket beer, has been a lethal cocktail for individual tenants and operators such as Mr Higginbotham over the past 12 months.

Having initially turned over as much as £8,000 on a good week when they first started, the slump in trade has left the Higginbothams struggling to pay their monthly rent of nearly £3,000.

For a while, Mr Higginbotham received help from his landlord, Punch Taverns, through rent deferrals. The Higginbothams only had to pay half the rent during the winter months, with the difference being made up in the busier summer period.

Matters did not improve this summer though, and the couple are facing eviction after falling behind on rent.

Not all pubs are in as dire a situation as The Old Fox. But the ability of tenants to ride out the biggest pub sector downturn in recent memory cuts to the heart of the severe problem faced by tenanted pub operators such as Punch and Enterprise Inns.

Between them, the two companies own about half of Britain's 30,000 tenanted and leased pubs and their two primary sources of revenue, rent and beer sales, are inextricably linked to tenants' well-being. In contrast, other tenanted pub operators, namely Greene King and Marston's, are more diversified with each also operating a brewing and managed pub division.

Enterprise highlighted the scale of its challenges last month when it warned of double-digit declines in beer sales and said the rising cost of helping ailing tenants was putting profits under pressure.

Although both it and Punch stress there has been no "material deterioration" in their licensees' financial health, some analysts have started to question the robustness of their business model.

"The big question is, will tenants start handing back their keys en masse?" says Mark Brumby at Blue Oar Securities. "A marginally profitable pub is preferable to a closed pub, so pub companies will try to offer financial assistance to tenants to dissuade them from handing back their keys."

But this will cost money. Mr Brumby reckons Enterprise and Punch could each take as much as a £60m hit a year on bailing out struggling tenants - a figure Enterprise dismisses.

Tenants say big corporate landlords have only themselves to blame if they end up suffering.

"These companies have increased profits by squeezing their tenants with ever- higher rent and beer ties," says a Punch tenant in north London. "Sooner or later, something has to give."

Indeed, tenants interviewed for this article say beer ties that force them to buy beers from landlords at above-market prices mean they have much less flexibility inmanaging costs.

"How can I compete with managed and independent pubs who can shop around?" asks another Punch tenant

Tenants say they are paying on average £125 for a keg of Carlsberg lager. This compares with the £80 charged by independent wholesalers. The savings could be even larger if tenants bought directly from brewers.

Created in the wake of the Beer Orders act of 1989, which ended the big brewers' domination of the pub trade, Punch and Enterprise represented a new breed of pub owner.

Using debt to gobble up swathes of pubs, they used their size to negotiate big discounts with once-mighty brewers. Unlike managed pub operators such as Mitchells & Butlers and JD Wetherspoon, which use beer discounts from bulk buying to keep costs down, neither Punch nor Enterprise pass the savings to tenants. Instead tenants, as a condition of leases, must pay a premium.

To ensure tenants do not use a cheaper wholesaler, Punch has fitted an electronic meter in the cellars of tenanted pubs that measures how much beer is pumped to the bar. If the figures do not tally with Punch's records, tenants could lose their pubs.

"The Pubcos are simply property companies which neither brew the beer nor run the pubs - they are effectively just middlemen in a supply chain," says Steve Corbett of Fair Pint, a campaign group that lobbies the government to remove the ties from all pubs, except those owned by brewers with fewer than 500 sites.

A parliamentary inquiry is investigating whether pub companies have too much power.

The steady cash that came from renting and providing beers to aspiring publicans made companies such as Enterprise and Punch City darlings during the consumer boom.

Not surprisingly, the gloom now surrounding these tenants has raised concerns about the two companies' ability to service the large tranches of debt they took on to acquire their pubs.

Punch says only ??? tenants have handed in keys in 12 months. But analysts say this does not provide a full picture. Apologies for deleting the total number but Punch said the figure was not factual.

"How many tenants are not paying rent at the moment? How many tenants are in rent arrears? . . . these are the questions that need to be answered," says a senior industry adviser.

Until they know, investors will hope tenants can do as well as The Oak, a cosy establishment in Westbourne Park, west London, which has seen no let up in trade. Its secret? "We are actually a restaurant," says Sean Browne, manager. "The bulk of our turnover comes from food, and alcohol sales are driven by wine and spirits. We have to buy beer from Punch as part of our rental contract but we just order the minimum

 

Beware of Pub Co's bearing gifts

A small brewer was taken over by one of the major Pub Co's who sold on all the pubs that they did not want to a number of smaller Pub Co's. I received a call from a lessee who had been there for about seven years, he had been invalided out of the Navy and had taken this village pub by himself and ran it as a village boozer with a reasonable trade. Just before the pubs were first sold his BDM came in and said that they had made a mistake, they should have charged him about £5 for every barrel of local real ale that he had bought, everything had been declared but the brewery had omitted to charge him, consequently he owed them several thousand pounds. The BDM said that he would have words with the Director and get it written off which he did and was agreed but not confirmed in writing. The pub changed ownership and the new company sent him a bill for several thousand pounds, he told them what had been agreed and the pub was sold to a minor Pub Co, who immediately tried to claim the money, threatening bakruptcy, court action etc. The lessee was terrified and called me I got someone to advise him the Pub Co backed off and then made him an offer to vacate the pub, which he accepted, thinking he was going to retire happily, in the last week they slapped him with a dilapidations bill that wiped out all the compensation for vacating the pub. They wanted the pub for redevelopment.

Another pub with the same company took over a very succesful pub with a good landlord who had been there twelve years, he said he wasn't worried about the change of ownership. He phoned me nine months later in tears saying that they had bankrupted him, again they wanted the pub for redevelopment, they induced him to sign a new lease without professional advice and hung him out to dry, how they did it I have no idea. But someone runs a successful pub for twelve years does not go bust without something untoward occuring???

Pub Co BDM's make it up as they go along.

I referred a Pub Co lessee to a colleague of mine, because he was being pushed to a rent increase. Ignoring the interim discussions, except that there was justification for a rent decrease. My colleague received a phone call from the BDM saying that they were not going to raise the rent and he asked on what grounds had they arrived at this decision, he replied saying that they were not obliged to give any grounds only on rent increases. He pointed out that whatever decision is made on establishing a rent level the reasons for making this decision have to be produced. In this case the lessee, who is a good operator, was struggling, the Pub Co have had an assortment of failures in there previously and as an apparent  show of generosity to stop him using a professional the BDM agreed to leave the rent the same, the legal argument continues with a good justification for a reasonable reduction. Moral of the story beware of BDM's bearing gifts, if it is out of character.

 

Andrew Pring's 2007 Report in the Morning Advertiseron the Industry

The terrible indictment of his report is that only one third of BDM's are doing a good job as far as the licensee is concerned, how do these Pub Co's expect lessees to run their pubs if two thirds of their first line support is ineffectual. One in six lessees thinks that their Pub Co is doing a good job, I can probably give a relatively short list of companies that their lessees consistantly say that they are doing a good job. We have economic, legislative conditions imposed on the industry causing a lot of hardship to most if not all pubs. If the BDM's underwent serious training on running leased pubs with financial accountability, they might at least appreciate the ongoing problems and convince the higher management of ways of resolving these problems. It doesn't surprise me about two thirds of BDM's not doing a good job, when you look into their backgrounds, a large number that I meet have been salesmen in the industry and are essentially paper shufflers, very few have seriously run pubs successfully. Come on Pub Co's how good are your BDM's, run a confidential survey of all your lessees on how effective is their local BDM. I am not against Pub Co's or BDM's I just don't like bad ones???? Please send us your comments in confidence and I am sure we can make a very interesting hypothetical article. How many of you have a good BDM or a bad BDM, they are either doing a good job looking after your interests or they are not, there is no half way, it's your money and business at risk. 

A hopeful change in the Pub Co's

It would appear that there has been a change in the number of people scrambling for pub leases, whether it is caused by the slowing of credit etc or the publice have become more aware. My information, if correct, is that for every viable lease the pub co's have six plus applicants and can pick and choose, all the other leases they are pitching against each other to get people to take them, with great difficulty. The main reason that the blog site was set up was to make people aware of what they were committing themselves to and become more discerning. If would be licensees refused to accept the marginal leases and the no hoper pubs, the pub co's would have to do something about it. I continually get the argument that their financial gearing, corporate structure etc does not accommodate flexibility in their leases, if they have hundreds of failing or empty pubs they will have to change their methods of operation. They can play Monopoly with pub companies on the Stock Exchange, making notional profits of millions and paying themselves millions, but if their core businesses are imploding it raises an interesting spectre. I spent my early life in civil engineering before buying pubs, at one stage certain civil engineering companies were playing the same game, buying and expanding constantly on borrowed money, screwing their suppliers for extended credit and running them far beyond the agreed terms, we had a credit squeeze and a number of these very large companies collapsed in a short space of time causing a major crisis in the industry. M & B would appear to have got their hands caught in the bank door, leaving them very vulnerable and several others. I was at a trade show this week and met several companies who said that they were not prepared to give pub co's ninety days credit and then still not get paid with some of them. The pub co's give fourteen days credit and deduct the money by D.D., if every supplier cut the ninety days credit to twenty eight days and put them on automatic stop if the account was not paid on time and then dealt with the lessee direct, it would have a very sobering effect on a lot of pub co's.

A Sobering Thought

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600 employees and has the following statistics.

29 have been accused of spouse abuse, 7 have been arrested for fraud, 19 have been accused of writing bad cheques, 117 have directly or indrectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses, 3 have done time for assault, 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit, 4 have been arrested on drug related charges, 8 have been arrested for shoplifting, 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits, 84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year,

Which organization is this?

It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that cranks up new laws creating havoc in the licensed industry, if this information is correct and we can only assume that the statistics were compiled over a number of years rather than these all occured last year, it paints a very black picture of our local Political BDM's for want of a better description.

The real value of a good sign

I own a piece of land with a large double sided sign on a main road advertising a nice pub tucked away at the back of a small village. The old coaching road ran through the village and right past the pub. The highway authority in their wisdom by-passed the village leaving the pub totally isolated but agreed to a sign on a wall facing the new road position. There was a dispute with the County Council on the ownership of the wall and the sign was removed. I then obtained planning permission for a large double sided pub sign on the land adjoining the old sign position, for years successive owners have reached an agreement with me over allowing the sign to remain. The pub was sold to one of the larger Pub Co's and I asked them if they would like to buy the land with the sign and duly met the BDM, I pointed out that the sign was an integral part of the pub and was told that the sign was of no financial value to the pub and they did not want it. I said to him you obviously have more knowledge than I about the benefits of signs and pubs and he in a fairly superior way agreed. I then arranged for another company to advertise on the hoarding, the same BDM then appeared again and told me with a perfectly straight face that the sign was essential to the pubs existence. What the BDM failed to realise was, the moment the sign was removed everyone thought the pub had closed and was no longer a pub and the business plummeted. (JCG)

Damn Fools

Many years ago I bought a freehouse and being determined to run it as a true freehouse I had accounts with all the major brewers, there was no advantage in tieing your pub to one company for the discounts because they were minimal. I always paid my accounts on time by cheque well within my trading agreement time. Then one month W......d put me on stop, I politely asked why and they said because the account hasn't been paid, I pointed out that I sent it out on 20th of the previous month and they said they had not received it. I then went to the bank to see if it had been debited to my account which it had and it had also been credited to W......d's account. I phoned them and told them and they said that they had no record of it. The Area Manager appeared demanding payment and he didn't believe me, so I went back to the bank and they returned the cheque to me, which had the pub name ripped off and part of my signature just visible on the cheque, when whoever opened the envelope they had ripped the identifying name off and just passed it through to their bank for credit, ignoring my account counterfoil. In the village, customers were coming and saying that the pub was going under because my credit with W......d had been stopped. the other pub in the village was wholly W......d, as to who had given out this information that we were on stop is questionable. I then spoke to the Area Manager and asked for an apology and some recompense for the damage to our reputation, he said that W......d would not apologise and I said that he could pick up all their equipment in the car park in the morning. At that stage he thought my interest in pubs would be a restricted to just this one and that I would be out of the business shortly. The next morning I phoned him and told him all his equipment was dumped in the car park and to come and collect it, he duly appeared and I said I would never ever do business with W.....d again and he told me to get lost. Many years and pubs later I have never ever done business with W......d and finally I had the ex MD of W......d's tenanted pubs working under my guidance and I told him the story why I would not have W......d in any of my pubs and he said "Damn fools". (VAR)

 Jokes for Pub Owners, when the talk is boring you to death, there have to be some here that will change the conversation

BLESS ME FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED !!!! A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,  'I almost had an affair with another woman.'  The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'  The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.  You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box ' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and the n walked over to the poor box.  He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,  'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box,  and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'  ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.  Upon entering the confessional, she said,  'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'  The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend  made mad passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, ' Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,  'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the  poor creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.  But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.  Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'  Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father.  Do ya think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!  Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An elderly man walks into a confessional.  The following conversation ensues:  Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,  many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking .  We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.' Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Man: 'What sins? '  Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' Man: 'I'm Jewish..'  Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'    Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody

 

 those of more mature years who love to fish

With age comes wisdom.

A guy is 80 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

"Pick me up."He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought

he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,"Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

 

With age comes wisdom.

BRITISH NEWSPAPERS Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.' (The Daily Telegraph) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The  Manchester  Evening News) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'. (The Times) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. ( Aberdeen  Evening Express) Mrs. Irene Graham of  Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled - 'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'' ( Bournemouth  Evening Echo) HEARD ON THE  LONDON  UNDERGOUND TUBE A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers... 1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.' 2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.' 3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.' 4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.' 5) 'We are now travelling through  Baker Street ... As you can see,  Baker Street  is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'. 6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.' 7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.' 8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....' 9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.' 10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.' 11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.' 12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?' 13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move  ALL  belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!' 14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'  A man is sitting in a pub with his jack russell dog one Sunday afternoon. The football results are coming up on the television in the corner: 'Stoke City 2, Tottenham Hotspur 1,' reads the announcer. Suddenly the jack russell jumps up and shouts out, 'Oh, no, not again.' The shocked landlord says, 'That's amazing. Why did he say that when it was announced that Tottenham lost?' 'Because he's a Spurs supporter,' the dog's owner replies. The landlord then asks what the dog says when Tottenham win a match, to which the man replies, 'I don't know. I've only had him six months.'   What's the difference between Bigfoot and the Spurs defence? Bigfoot has been spotted several times.   What does a Spurs fan do after he sees his team win? Turns off the Xbox

 

 

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS   CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer   CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer   BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genuis.   BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance & the wife gets no jewelry.                                         VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.   P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.   BROKER - What my stock adviser has made me.   STANDARD AND POOR -YOUR LIFE IN A NUTSHELL   Stock Analyst - The idiot that just downgraded your stock.   STOCK SPLIT - When your ex and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.   FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.   MARKET CORRECTION - The day AFTER you buy stocks.   CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.   YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240.00 a share.   WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240.00 a share.   INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.   PROFIT - AN ARCHAIC WORD NO LONGER IN USE.

 

 

Joys of old age and golf.

An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor was

amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: 'How do you

stay in such great physical condition?'

'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow: 'and that is why I

am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up

and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more

to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Da's deid?'

The doctor was amazed.

'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive. How old is

he?'

'He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed

wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and

had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and

he is a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it

than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my grandad is deid?'

Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your

grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: 'So, I guess he went

golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married

today.'

At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why

would a 118 year- old bloke want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

 

 

 

 

 

 They Walk Among Us

And Many Work  Retail

I was at the checkout of a Super-Market. The clerk rang up £46.64  charge. I gave her a £50 note. She gave me back £46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY  favor.
She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again.  I gave her the money  back. Samescenario! I departed the store with the £46.64.

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

I walked  into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon
for a Grande Latte.  I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a
little chalkboard that said  Buy One-Get One Free. "They're already
buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so  I guess they're both free"
She handed  me my free Lattes, and I  walked out of the door.     

 They Walk Among Us!

One day  I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted,  "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked Up at the sky and said, "Where?"

They Walk Among Us!

While  looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the
sun waking him  up every morning.  
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"  
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has
for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh. I don't keep up with all that new technology stuff."

They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a  lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets  trapped.
She keeps it in the boot.

They Walk Among  Us!

My friends and I were buying beer and noticed that the crates were
discounted at 10%.  Since it was a big party, we bought 5 crates. The cashier multiplied 5 times 10% and gave us a 50% discount.

They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my  luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and  told the woman there that my bags hadn't shown up. She smiled and told me not  to worry because she was a trained professional and that I was in good hands. 
"Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"

They Walk  Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza, to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4; I don't think I'm  hungry enough to eat 6
pieces."

Yes. They Walk Among  Us!
  

 

 Subject: Blind Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.  Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, the other is  tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads  through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, close the door and start up  the engines. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for  some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.  The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in  the window seats realise they're at the edge of the airport. As it begins to  look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill  the cabin. At that ! ! t moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.  The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into  their magazines secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.  In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says;  "You know, Pat, one of these days they're going scream too late and we're  all gonna feking die.

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat - Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation - Jimmy Carr The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears - Chris Addison at the Pleasance My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs - Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died .... Dido must be sh*tting herself - Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night - Susan Murray at the Underbelly Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? - Adam Bloom at the Pleasance My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t - Susan Murray at the Underbelly You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: 'What's my favourite flower?' And you murmur to yourself: 'Sh1t, I wasn't listening .. was it self-raising?' - Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help' - Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax - Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time -Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms A talking dog goes into a hardware store and says: 'I'd like a job please'. The hardware store owner says: 'We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?' The dog replies: 'What would the circus want with a plumber' - Steven Alan Green at C34 It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake - Chris Addison at the Pleasance If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that - Milton Jones at the Underbelly.

 

 
THE SITUATION:


You are in England, York to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught
in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the
water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

 THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...

You suddenly realize who it is... It's Gordon Brown!  You notice that the
raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:





You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer
Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most
powerful men!


THE QUESTION:


 Here's the question, and please give an honest answer....









Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?

 

 

 

Subject: Financial Crisis hits Japan     Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal

 

 

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!!!  1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy. 4. Your son is depriving a village some where of an 'idiot'. 5. Your son sets low personal standards, and then consistently fails to achieve them.  6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. 7. This child has been working with glue too much. 8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell. 9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.  11.. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child, beat out 1,000,000 others. 12. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead.     These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:    13. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."   14. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after awhile."   15. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."   16. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."    17. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."   18. "You don't know how fast you were going?  I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"   19. "Yes,sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.  Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"   20. "Warning! You want a warning? OK., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."   21. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.  Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"   22. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."    23. "Yeah, we have a quota Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."   24. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."   25. "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"   26. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.  We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."    27. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours.  So you know someone who can post your bail."    AND THE WINNER IS....   28. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

 

-----U3A WICO
(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

 

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "But everyone has some faults."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could beat the pros at golf.. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake. He really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -- he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his bloody widow."

 

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."  

 

Italian Confession

 

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, went to the local church for confession.  When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional the man said  'Father, during World War II a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis, so I hid her in my attic'.

 

The priest replied 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that'.

 

'There is more to tell Father' he continued 'She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays'.

 

The priest said 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.  However, if you are truly sorry for your actions then you are indeed forgiven'.

 

'Thank you, Father' he replied  'That's a great load off my mind.  I do have one more question though'.

 

'And what is that?' asked the priest.